You can't make this up: Judge Box Wine as U.S. Attorney

I swear The Onion is doomed. The real actions of this homeless abortion of an administration is destroying the ironic satire market.

The one constant about the fuck-Trump-et administration is that they can go even lower.

Case in point is the nominee for the U.S. Attorney for DC. Until about 5 seconds ago, the interim and the nominee were a truly awful waste of skin, Ed Martin. He was an election-denying, fundraiser to support the defense of the January 6 rioters, and he was enthusiastic participant in a slew of threatening letters to various parties to satiate the Tangerine Tyrant’s petty grievances.

He lasted slightly less than ten Scaramucci’s.

I will grudgingly tip my hat to North Carolina Senator Thom Tillis whose objection to this grotesque vision of shit with feet doomed his path to confirmation.

But then the Temu Hitler said to the country “hold my beer” and burbled the name of Jeanine Pirro out of his face-anus, as the interim U.S. Attorney of Washington D.C., a staple of the Fox News Cinematic Universe, noted for her stalwart support of the stolen election in 2020.

“Trump Names Jeanine Pirro as Interim U.S. Attorney in Washington” (gift link)

It is certainly true to type that she is the typical archetype. A host of a forgettable segment of the “opinion” series on the ostensible “News” channel, she has parlayed her former career into punditry.

Ms. Pirro has several attributes that have endeared her to Mr. Trump: She is on his television every day, defending him with husky-voiced vehemence as a member of “The Five” talk show on Fox; she incurred personal risk to trumpet his election lies; and she is apparently willing to ditch a lucrative TV career, on short notice, to bail him out of an embarrassing jam.

Ms. Pirro has far greater name recognition than Mr. Martin, a relatively obscure right-wing activist from Missouri, thanks to stints as her reality TV counterpart “Judge Jeanine” on the CW Network and Fox.

This is Trumpian boob-bait of maximal proportions. Of course, there are many other red flags, including this gem:

[Trump] has also proved to be a reliable ally to her family. In 2021, during the final hours of his first term, Mr. Trump pardoned Ms. Pirro’s former husband — and Mr. Trump’s onetime lawyer — Albert J. Pirro Jr., who was convicted of conspiracy and tax evasion charges in 2000.

Because of course there are close personal (and skeevy) ties. This level of eye-rolling is going to make me visit the doctors to be evaluated for concussion protocols.

Dogged for years as one who is fond of the fermented grape juice, there have been plenty of analyses of her online tics:

This has led to her being blessed with the nickname “Judge Box Wine”, and it stuck.

Does this sound familiar? Like the SefDef, Pete “Kegger” Hegseth anyone?

But don’t just take this segment by that known lefty-wokester David Packman, here’s the Hindustan Times:

In 2020, Pirro faced a wave of online criticism after appearing on Justice With Judge Jeanine 15 minutes late, with many viewers accusing her of being intoxicated. The former district attorney from Westchester County, New York, apologised for the delay, attributing it to "technical difficulties," but soon after, she struggled to clearly articulate her points. Her dishevelled appearance, slurred speech, and apparent confusion led many social media users to speculate that she was drunk, with some even highlighting the state of her hair as a sign of her disoriented condition, as reported by the Daily Mail.

And God bless the Hindustan times for their pull of this from socials:

A second user wrote, “Trump actually made #TipIt Jeanine Pirro the interim U.S. Attorney for D.C. What a joke. Does his cabinet all get a group discount at Total Beer and Wine? Is it wrong of me to secretly hope she joins this shitshow so we can get Cecily Strong back on SNL?” A third user wrote, “After hiring unqualified and incompetent drunk Pete Hegseth to be Defense Secretary, Trump's doubling down by giving serious consideration to unqualified and incompetent drunk Jeanine Pirro as US Attorney for DC. There has never been a more incompetent president than Trump, EVER.”

I am guessing that Pirro will now be able to step up from the Franzia aisle to feed her discerning palate.

I guess that is one way to defuse the fact that the Conclave selected a woke American to be the new Pope. Suck it JDV!

Poor widdle Catturd. Let’s check on Charlie “chinless” Kirk’s wellness:

Delish!

I am going to need to take a trip to Costco to stock up on popcorn.