Rifftrax: My new addiction

Cheese that makes Velveeta seem good. Seriously, I suspect that even Netflix passed on these gems.

None of the actresses look this nice.

I spend a lot of time on my weekends trawling Amazon Prime video looking for truly awful movies to watch. Schlocky SciFi, heinous horror flicks, and a ton of B cinema (things that make Ed Wood movies seem good). In this trawling, I discovered Rifftrax. In the spirit of the Mystery Science Theater 3000, it pairs just egregious excuses for celluloid “art” with biting and funny overlaid dialog.

The first one I watched was “Cat Women of the Moon”, and I just fell in love. So much camp, so much cheese, and I am definitely a fan.

So I have been buying a few of them a week, and watching them while rolling (I think I should try watching them chemically altered). I mean, it is like this:

This week, they flashed me with a truly awful movie: “Ouija Shark”. Released in 2020, it is truly egregious. It has it all, a mystical-powered Ouija board, college aged co-eds that wear bikini’s and really don’t have the bodies to look good, and even a too long carwash scene.

I mean, on Amazon, it is chocked full of reviews like this:

I need to preface this review with the fact that I LOVE s#!tty Shark movies. Most of them are so bad that I quite enjoy laughing at them. House Shark, Ghost Shark, and Sharknado are prefect examples of movies that know how bad they are and roll with it. This movie takes itself WAY too seriously! It’s bad... really, really, REALLY bad. I’m normally a champion of microbudget horror and all of the great bad movies it can bring. This one though? Yikes! The plot is discombobulated, the acting is wooden... so, so wooden. One of the characters spends the entire movie looking straight in one direction while quite possibly reading his lines off of cue cards. The police uniforms are just postman jackets with a police emblem ironed onto the shoulder. No weapon, no badge... just the jacket. It’s 71 minutes and feels like it’s 4 hours. The Shark is the only thing I got even the slightest bit of satisfaction from. It’s a cheap rubber puppet, which COULD have been a plus, but in this case it wasn’t, because they showed it too much, and you get tired of it. I don’t normally care if a movie has nudity or not, but in this case, I think it actually may have helped make it at least a tad watchable. I can honestly see why this movie spent 2 years on the shelf. I kind of wish it had stayed there. The fact that I now have this in my DVD collection actually makes me kind of nauseous. I seriously cannot recommend this movie to ANYONE!!! Run away. Run far, far away. Once you think you’re far enough away... keep f**king running!!

It is indeed that bad.

I have my popcorn in hand, and I am in heaven¹.

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1. I am purposely ignoring the fuckery at the Supreme Court this last week.