Time to get real: How to replace Biden
Greg Olear once again nails it
I swore to myself that I wouldn’t write this. I am thoroughly disenchanted with the media and the so-called “Never Trump” coalition that really seems to have lasered on to the “Biden is Old” meme, committed to flushing Biden from the ticket to replace him with someone more agreeable to their preferences. But the excuse is he’s old.
No fucking shit he’s old.
But then I saw Greg Olear’s1 post this morning with several scenarios for selecting a replacement (new flash, if Biden drops out, the only practical alternative is Kamala Harris, and she seems to not stir the loins of the Never Trumpers) that had me laughing loudly enough to wake my wife and disturb my dogs at 5:30 AM.
He starts with a “serious” proposal by a law professor and a venture capitalist (groan), and, well, read it for yourself:
To wit: Semafor got its hands on plans drafted by a law professor and a venture capitalist for a “blitz primary”—so called, I guess, because “let’s invade Poland primary” was too long a name—which imagines the process working like American Idol. Here are the details:
Biden would step down as the Democratic nominee in mid-July, and announce the new system, with backing from Vice President Kamala Harris.
Potential candidates would have a few days to throw their respective hats in the ring. The Democratic Party then would begin a primary sprint in which the six candidates who receive the most votes from delegates pledge to run positive-only campaigns in the month leading up to the convention.
The “blitz primary” would involve weekly forums with each candidate moderated by cultural icons (Michelle Obama, Oprah, and Taylor Swift are among the names floated in the memo) in order to engage voters.
The nominee would ultimately be chosen by the delegates using ranked choice voting before the start of the Chicago convention on Aug. 19.
It would be announced with plenty of fanfare on the third day of the gathering. The memo imagines the nominee unveiled on stage with Biden, Barack Obama and Bill Clinton.
Cross my heart and hope to die, this is a real thing that two intelligent people have spent significant effort devising, developing, writing out, and then disseminating to other intelligent people like it’s an actual good idea.
Taylor Swift and Oprah? Why? This sounds like a job for Borat.
I mean, seriously?
But then Greg puts his tongue firmly in cheek and offers other options, such as:
Dancing With the Stars, Season 33: “Primary Colors”
The dozen top candidates—Kamala Harris, Gavin Newsom, Gretchen Whitmer, Pete Buttigieg, AOC, Seth Moulton for some reason, that Dean Philips schmuck no one likes, etc.—would each be paired with a professional dancer, and every Monday night from now until the convention, one couple would be eliminated based on a combination of aggregate judge’s scoring, popular vote, and the collective opinion of the editorial board of the New York Times. The semifinals and finals would take place in Chicago at the DNC—live on ABC!
Jimmy Kimmel would host, Jake Tapper and Dana Bash would be the sideline reporters, and the panel of judges would feature Carrie Ann Inaba, Bruno Tonioli, Abigail Disney, and Hillary Clinton. There would even be a separate “Manning Cast” broadcast, where Peyton and Eli would provide snarky commentary with special guest QB Aaron Rodgers.
DWTS33 would solve the dual problems of selecting a new Democratic Party nominee and reanimating the legendary dance-off program that appears to be, like Biden’s candidacy, on life support.
Pros: Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and Maksim Chmerkovskiy doing the Argentine tango.
Cons: Too many of the professional dancers are Russian.1
I am not a fan of Dancing with the Stars, but hey, why not.
But my favorite is without a doubt based on a cheesy 1980s SciFi movie starring Schwarzenegger and Richard Dawson:
Running Man
Based on the Arnold Schwarzenegger movie, which is based on the pseudonymous Stephen King novel, in which convicted criminal “runners” are hunted down by “stalkers” hellbent on their extermination, for the entertainment of the broadcast audience.
The candidates would be set loose in the ruins of a gigantic abandoned shopping mall, where all the stores went out of business because of Republican economic policies, and chased down by media members and Never Trumpers with paint guns: Jake Tapper, Dana Bash, Katy Tur, Andrea Mitchell, Bill Kristol, Tim Miller, Kaitlan Collins—basically, anyone with a platform who was among the first to demand Biden step down. The nomination is given to the last candidate to be splattered with paint.
Pros: Might convince 2A types to vote blue.
Cons: A concept inspired by punishing convicted felons would not include the convicted felon running for president.
Greg’s post mirrors my thoughts, even though I fully expect that the media, donors, and Never Trump twatwaffles will chase Biden from the race, voluntarily yielding the benefit of Incumbency (because Harris won’t have that benefit even though she is in the catbird seat.)
I can’t summarize any better than Greg:
Here’s the deal:
Biden won the primary. We all voted for him, and were well aware of his age when we did so. He has spent every day since the disastrous debate campaigning, sitting for interviews, speaking at churches, and calling into live morning shows, while Trump has retracted into his orange shell like a syphilitic tortoise. When the desperate New York Times, which should really fuck off into the sun at this point, wrote an innuendo-laden story suggesting Biden has Parkinson’s, his doctor, Kevin O’Connor, shot it down.
And even if the President does decide to punch out—even if the pundits and the chickenshit donors and the “Pod Save America” dickheads get their way—he will be immediately replaced by Kamala Harris, for the simple reason that she is the only one who can legally use the $91 million in the Biden/Harris war chest. Whereupon the clickwhores at the NYeT and CNN will concoct stories about how Kamala “covered up” Joe being old, or is a cop, or slept her way to the top, or isn’t eligible to be president because of some bullshit birth certificate technicality, or is a “DEI”—that is, Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion; that is, Black—candidate who only got the job because of the color of her skin and her lack of male sexual organs. Think I’m exaggerating? Rupert Murdoch’s attack dogs at the New York Post are already doing this.
Or maybe—and I know this is a radical thought, but please indulge me—we just dance with the man that done brung us. Biden doesn’t have to win the DWTS Mirrorball Trophy. He just has to beat the Project 2025 candidate, the convicted felon and adjudicated rapist, the Epstein buddy. And he will, if we stand by him, and turn the spotlight away from him and onto Donald. It’s time to cut the malarkey and unite behind the president.
Democracy isn’t a game show. If we do not win in November, we lose more than money and prizes. Once we’re voted off the island of We The People, there’s no coming back.
Couldn’t have put it any better.
I fear that the mania will claim the scalp of Biden, and ultimately hand the keys to the White House to the tangerine hippo.
Well done dudes.
The Never Trump Republicans will be the first to be locked up or lined up against the wall for the execution squads.
I hope your glee in Biden’s downfall is worth the price America will pay.
You really should subscribe to his ‘Stack…
Hmmm, I have lost three subscribers over this. Bet they didn't even read the newsletter.
Nope. Biden is our man. And a good one too.